Thoroughly Milly

I'm shy, chubby, and emotional. I love cooking, doing new things, and I rarely follow through any of my goals. This is my journey to love myself, just as I am.
~ Thursday, January 19 ~
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I doubt this will make any sense.

It probably will sound like a “poor, pitiful me” post, but I don’t mean for it to be.  I don’t think I can hold all this inside anymore without having a total meltdown.  Where better to get this off my chest than to the internet!

I feel like I’m on hold.  Everything and everyone around me is still going, still passing by and I’m just on pause.  Everyone is living their lives and I’m just sitting here watching them.

Work is crazy.  I would go into detail but I would end up writing a novel.  I try to get caught up and I’m slowly whittling away at all the work, but it’s stacking up 10 times faster than I can get it done.  By the time I get home, my mind is complete mush, I can’t make any more decisions because I’ve been pulled in 15 different directions for 9 hours and it’s all I can do to get into bed.

I make plans to exercise.  I make plans to cook healthier meals.  Something ALWAYS comes up.  I have to change my plans for someone else.  I have to do what someone else wants to do.  I have to take care of something else.  I have to try to make someone else feel better.  I have to take care of what someone else wants me to take care of.   

It’s to the point now that I don’t know what I want.  I don’t remember why I wanted to lose weight and be healthy.  I keep asking myself, “Really?  What’s the point?”  I know this is a journey and I’m probably just having a bad week (or year).

I feel as though I need something and I may be on the verge of a mid-life crisis (at 28…but whatever).  Maybe I should get a tattoo?  Or a strapping young man (ha…I kill myself!)?  Or a new car?  Or disappear for a month or so?  Go on vacation somewhere exotic?  Get a nose ring?  Get completely wasted?

Maybe I should just start with something like making time to go for a run.

To sum up this completely random train of thoughts (or to make some more points that have absolutely nothing to do with any of the previous), I’m overwhelmed.  I want something new.  I want to be able to control something in my life.  I would like to lose weight and not be ashamed of myself.  I want to like myself (and I HATE it when I feel this way).  I want to relax.  I want to stop feeling like I’m letting everyone down.

Gah, life.  Why are you so hard!

Tags: that's what she said negative nancy
11 notes
  1. jessicamaynard said: Do something for yourself. If you continually put yourself on hold, you will lose yourself. I did it for 8 years of my life and I thought I was happy. It took a tremendous change for me to realize I put myself on hold for others. Do something for you
  2. littlemissyoullgofar said: I completely understand. But if you spend your days worried about everyone else you’ll NEVER find time for you. It’s okay to be selfish when it comes to your health. (hugs)
  3. brooksylite said: Baby steps. Get up and take a walk before work, break a sweat then attack your day. Everyone hits this from time to time. You gotta fight back. Small attainable goals, get some wins under your belt.
  4. stephsdoinglife said: I can totally relate, but this too shall pass! Keep you eyes on the prize and make time for yourself! I agree you have to set boundaries at work! Don’t worry, thing will get back on track for you! Hang in there!
  5. thereluctantrunner said: I think we all feel like this sometimes…but the trick is to find a way to get past it. Set a goal. Develop a plan. Then do it. Sims put you have to make things happen. You can’t just sit around waiting. :) good luck lady..you’ll be just fine.
  6. catchmecassie said: I’ve been feeling like this. Then I saw a picture of myself from Tuesdays group run. I’m so disappointed in myself.
  7. therevickigoesagain said: Are you a pisces? I go through those feelings a ton!! Drives my boyfriend crazy! But seriously you probably need some sort of change big or small - I’ve moved, quit jobs, gotten tattoos and most recently just simply cut my hair all off :)
  8. regainingmymoxy said: You need to make boundaries for yourself with work. Occaisionally working late is one thing, but perpetually working your hours is not right. Hire someone to help. Define boundaries for yourself. You can control work. You can. You jut have to manage it.
  9. runheatherrun said: I’m right there with you <3 life is hard! *sigh* we’ll get through it though. :)
  10. thoroughlymilly posted this